I’m in the process of once again revamping this website. It’s something we’ve been paying for, but not really using and I think… it’s time for that to change.
I used to journal. In fact, I’ve been journaling more or less on a daily basis since I was 13. Journaling had been a cornerstone to my mental health, but about three years ago, my mental health tanked in the way of a Panzer, taking with it my motivation to write.
As I’ve written before, depression has its own collateral damage. It takes things from us. Well, I refuse to let it take this part of me. Writing has been my connection to the Universe for as long as I can remember.
So maybe I can write here. Because things are happening in the world. Big, disturbing, important things, and maybe it will help to write about them.
I became discouraged with the website when I couldn’t get my List of 100 Things to take on the organization structure that I wanted.
Maybe I can figure that out, too.
I dunno.
I’m waiting here at my work computer for a critical system update. It’s the only downtime I’ve had in a while, so I’m babbling.
Last summer, I was more depressed than I’ve been since childhood. It makes no sense. I’ve also been happier than I’ve ever been, but the state of the world got to me. Also, there’s something to be said about ending things before they get bad again… knowing with certainty that they will get bad again. I tried therapy again. That failed. Terribly. And then I finally tried medication. I hated it and stopped taking it after about a month.
But it did help. Sort of. It worked. I don’t CARE like I did. The ever-present ache is gone.
But so is the connection I had to that vast inner Universe so teeming with vibrancy and life. All of those people who were talking to me as they passed through, they’re gone. I’m on an ice-strewn beach under a striated sky, but the bonfire is cold and the plain between me and the mountains is empty and bleak.
Maybe I can find my way to the others by writing here.
My hope is not high. But anyway, here goes.